I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
