Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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