it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Two words: nipple clamps
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