i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
