can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
