I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
