i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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