I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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