I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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