I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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