So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
