You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
