Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
