Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
