i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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