I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
