On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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