I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
