is your mom at the bar?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
