I'm pants shitting drunk right now
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
