Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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