Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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