I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
