I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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