is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
