if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
