I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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