just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just had sex on a roof
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
