This is not my ceiling
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
