he told me I talked like a deaf person
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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