I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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