Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
