I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
