take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm always down for nudity.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize