He asked to "fluff my boner.."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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