EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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