Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize