If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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