The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
