So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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