I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
