I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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