I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
