HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
