I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
