Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
