the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
