They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
