apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
