how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just gargled with NyQuil
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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