i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
