the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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