Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
