Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
