just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
