o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
