My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
