Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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