This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
